Three new everyday images to convey the weirdness and obnoxiousness of Donald Trump.

One: You’re taking your lunch break in the park. A loudmouth stranger  sits right beside you on your bench. He yammers a confused speech about himself and what he is going to do to his enemies. Suddenly, you find an urgent reason to get back to work. Do you want to have that stranger’s voice in your ear for the next four years?

Two: Donald Trump is the embarrassing elderly relative who spoils so many family gatherings. He gives himself the right to invade any personal space and paw any women inside it. He makes everyone listen to the same rambling speech, full of bigotry and ego and supporting lies. J D Vance used to despise him like all the other relatives. But then he decided to truckle to him in the hope of inheriting his money.

Three (especially for the decent “regular people” who are Trump supporters)

Joining the Trump campaign is the scariest bus ride you’ll ever make. The driver is completely out of control – but at regular intervals he asks you to pay extra for his traffic violations. He does not follow the set route but makes regular screeching stops, and sudden turns to who-knows-where. He picks up weird-looking people, especially if they have guns, and never checks their tickets, people who push you out of your seat and manhandle your bags.  He yammers about himself on the PA system non-stop at full volume, unless he’s swearing against other drivers. In spite of all the detours and stops, the ultimate destination is still Crazyville Central – whatever your ticket said when you paid for it.

A few extra one-liners and zingers in various styles

Refer to Trump only as The Defendant for the rest of the campaign. With variations: Mr Defendant, the Defendant-in-chief, His Defendancy, and the Dependent Defandant to make people think about all the secret backers who have him in their pocket.

The truth and Donald Trump never travel in the same car. Integrity and Donald Trump have never flown in the same jumbo jet.

Trump is a villain – but such a small-time one. Can you imagine Donald Trump carrying The Godfather? He would be some minor character without lines, maybe without even a closing credit, wiped out in scene three at the latest. The only picture  Donald Trump could carry as lead is Despicable Me.

Donald Trump tells lies even when there’s no point to them – just to keep in practice. He’s a better ventroliquist than Jack Dunham. He can lie without moving his lips.

Donald Trump’s ego has created a giant black hole: it sucks in reality and never lets it escape.

A very conceited person with a great deal to be modest about.

To Trump, all American history is a parade, with himself taking the salute.

On any occasion where Trump displays any evidence of cowardice  As yellow as his chemical hair.

On Trump’s fake condition to avoid service in Vietnam  He might be called Commander Bonespurs. In future these spurs might be  preserved at the Golf Hall of Fame, to inspire future generations with the story of how he overcame this  handicap to become such a champion golfer.

On any occasion where Trump is incoherent and rambling  There is a fine New Zealand expression “The wheel’s turning but the hamster’s gone”. If these cute rodents are not so popular as pets in USA, could be amended to “I see water swirling but where’s the goldfish?”

America’s bridge players might be asked to play a strong One No-Trump throughout 2024.

Trump’s invented a new doctrine: Presidential impunity.

Donald Trump had a great slogan in 2016: Drain the Swamp. Unfortunately, he is the Swamp, a pool of stagnant decayed ego bigger than [name biggest swamp in each state or the Great Dismal] but with no healthy life in it. Forget the swamp, drain the Trump! Perhaps accompany with caricatures and memes of Trump as an obnoxious version of Swamp Thing

Donald Trump is a dullard, a dingbat, a dimwit, a dirtwad and a dotard.

A comparative insult for everyday use: … almost as big an ego as Donald Trump’s and almost as small a brain